To experience one amazing love in my lifetime was a gift. Cam came from left field and took me by total surprise. God had it all planned before I even knew Him to gift me with a beautiful, Godly man I didn’t know I needed in my life. He further blessed me with His strength to get through the most painfully traumatic experience of my life in losing Cam. It took a long time, but I no longer see it as loss but as gain. I gained faith and salvation, the knowledge of what true love is and a life of blessings in Perth. For a long time I wondered if I could ever love like that again or if there was someone in the world that would be equipped to love me in the way I desired, with a similar intense love I had previously experienced. A part of me believed God is capable. Another part of me thought ‘most people don’t encounter this kind of love once in a lifetime, how could I find this for a second time?’ A dear friend from Cam’s and my church said to me soon after he died that God would return to me what I’ve lost. I didn’t understand how that could be possible. I’ve lost so much in Cam. He died. How could He return that to me?
But God is God. He is capable. He is good. So indescribably good. His love overwhelms me to the point of wanting to fall to my knees in deep gratitude. If one love in my life wasn’t already a blessing, to gift me with another, well that’s just ridiculous. Ridiculously gracious. Ridiculously beautiful. Ridiculously furious love. But this, He has done. God’s love for me is Kieran. Through bringing into existence our love for each other, it is in this, that God is revealing to me the depth of His love in full expression. Showing me what His love for me really is and how love in a relationship is created to be. A love of who I am. A love built on honour and respect. A love born out of selflessness. A love that leads. A love that makes me feel safe and protected. An equal and reciprocal love.
So I really haven’t been good at this blogging thing lately. A lot has happened in a year. Obviously. I spent most of 2013 trying to fit myself into relationship that I couldn’t admit was wrong for us both on so many levels. But I have no regrets, for I grew significantly in that. It forced me to face the cyclic patterns of depression I had experienced from my teenage years and through my adult life. Often I would deny the signs of despair, hopelessness and worthlessness as it came and went, attributing it to whatever was happening in my life at the time. I never spoke of it to anyone. I would simply spend too much time home alone crying, hurting, breaking silently. During these intermittent, unpredictable cycles I would disengage from relationships and friendships and push people away. I recognised this happening in me through my relationship last year and although I was tempted to run like I normally do, I actually couldn’t bear the thought of losing someone else. I had it stubbornly cemented in my head that after Cam died, the next relationship was it for me because I didn’t think I could survive any more loss. This is why I tried to mold myself into something that wasn’t right. I’ve since realised that I can’t possibly go through life without experiencing any form of loss again. That’s just not reasonable. I spoke about this with a friend of mine who experienced a similar loss. At some level we have both had the notion that because we have endured such tragedy and heartbreak, that we are somehow now immune to any more tragedy and heartbreak, that once we get to the other side of grief, life will be peachy. That’s just not realistic. It was a nice thought while it lasted. Perhaps this brief notion served a purpose as one of the many mechanisms that helped get me through the grief. I know that there will still be challenges to face in my life. I also know that His strength and His provision of supportive people is all I need to get me through anything.
When I finally had the courage to seek help for depression, my determined self went all in. My GP put me on a low dose of a SSRI anti-depressant of which I stayed on for 7 months. The first couple of weeks was uncomfortable and I had difficulties focusing at work. I felt spaced out and vague, not good when training customers. But I persevered in determination. I started seeing a brilliant Christian psychologist. I’ve seen counselors and psychologists before which served it’s purpose at the time in having an objective person to confide in. Talking stuff out is all well and good, but this new psychologist put me to work during our sessions and also giving me homework, the result provided me with practical tools to use in daily life to combat the root of the feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness, dealing with the underlying cause stemming back to where it all begins in the early years of childhood. This I will keep as a topic for another post.
So in summary. Found love, my heart was broken, God healed, didn’t think I could find another, God is good, God provides, found love again. Amazing! Blessed. Grateful. Overwhelmed. Honoured. I am treasured.