To experience one amazing love in my lifetime was a gift.  Cam came from left field and took me by total surprise.  God had it all planned before I even knew Him to gift me with a beautiful, Godly man I didn’t know I needed in my life.  He further blessed me with His strength to get through the most painfully traumatic experience of my life in losing Cam.  It took a long time, but I no longer see it as loss but as gain.  I gained faith and salvation, the knowledge of what true love is and a life of blessings in Perth.  For a long time I wondered if I could ever love like that again or if there was someone in the world that would be equipped to love me in the way I desired, with a similar intense love I had previously experienced.  A part of me believed God is capable.  Another part of me thought ‘most people don’t encounter this kind of love once in a lifetime, how could I find this for a second time?’  A dear friend from Cam’s and my church said to me soon after he died that God would return to me what I’ve lost.  I didn’t understand how that could be possible.  I’ve lost so much in Cam.  He died.  How could He return that to me?

But God is God.  He is capable.  He is good.  So indescribably good.  His love overwhelms me to the point of wanting to fall to my knees in deep gratitude.  If one love in my life wasn’t already a blessing, to gift me with another, well that’s just ridiculous.  Ridiculously gracious.  Ridiculously beautiful.  Ridiculously furious love.  But this, He has done.  God’s love for me is Kieran.  Through bringing into existence our love for each other, it is in this, that God is revealing to me the depth of His love in full expression.  Showing me what His love for me really is and how love in a relationship is created to be.  A love of who I am.  A love built on honour and respect.  A love born out of selflessness.  A love that leads.  A love that makes me feel safe and protected.  An equal and reciprocal love.

So I really haven’t been good at this blogging thing lately.  A lot has happened in a year.  Obviously.  I spent most of 2013 trying to fit myself into relationship that I couldn’t admit was wrong for us both on so many levels.  But I have no regrets, for I grew significantly in that.   It forced me to face the cyclic patterns of depression I had experienced from my teenage years and through my adult life.  Often I would deny the signs of despair, hopelessness and worthlessness as it came and went, attributing it to whatever was happening in my life at the time.  I never spoke of it to anyone.  I would simply spend too much time home alone crying, hurting, breaking silently.  During these intermittent, unpredictable cycles I would disengage from relationships and friendships and push people away.  I recognised this happening in me through my relationship last year and although I was tempted to run like I normally do, I actually couldn’t bear the thought of losing someone else.  I had it stubbornly cemented in my head that after Cam died, the next relationship was it for me because I didn’t think I could survive any more loss.  This is why I tried to mold myself into something that wasn’t right.  I’ve since realised that I can’t possibly go through life without experiencing any form of loss again.  That’s just not reasonable.  I spoke about this with a friend of mine who experienced a similar loss.  At some level we have both had the notion that because we have endured such tragedy and heartbreak, that we are somehow now immune to any more tragedy and heartbreak, that once we get to the other side of grief, life will be peachy.  That’s just not realistic.  It was a nice thought while it lasted.  Perhaps this brief notion served a purpose as one of the many mechanisms that helped get me through the grief.  I know that there will still be challenges to face in my life.  I also know that His strength and His provision of supportive people is all I need to get me through anything.

When I finally had the courage to seek help for depression, my determined self went all in.  My GP put me on a low dose of a SSRI anti-depressant of which I stayed on for 7 months.  The first couple of weeks was uncomfortable and I had difficulties focusing at work.  I felt spaced out and vague, not good when training customers.  But I persevered in determination.  I started seeing a brilliant Christian psychologist.  I’ve seen counselors and psychologists before which served it’s purpose at the time in having an objective person to confide in.  Talking stuff out is all well and good, but this new psychologist put me to work during our sessions and also giving me homework, the result provided me with practical tools to use in daily life to combat the root of the feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness, dealing with the underlying cause stemming back to where it all begins in the early years of childhood.  This I will keep as a topic for another post.

So in summary.  Found love, my heart was broken, God healed, didn’t think I could find another, God is good, God provides, found love again.  Amazing!  Blessed.  Grateful.  Overwhelmed.  Honoured.  I am treasured.

It’s been too long since my last post. I really wasn’t intended to stop writing or leave such a large gap. I suppose it’s just one of those things where life gets in the way. There has been emotional ups and downs, but for the most part, the last 7 months have been positive.

The first anniversary of Cam’s death was a marked moment in my grief. A line drawn in the sand and a step across to a side of decision. Decision to live again. Decision to be happy. Decision to not let the traumatic events of Cam’s death torment me anymore. I have decided not to relive it. And so if I find my mind flickering towards those memories, I think about or do something that makes me happy, distracts me. It’s not suppressing pain or grief for I believe I have grieved well. It is choosing to move forward and live in peace. And that I am. I feel deep peace. The heaviness and pain I felt has gone. I’m very much enjoying being free from stress, sadness and anxiety. Cam is free, and so am I.

Since my last post, God relentlessly continues to bless me and provide for me. I started a full-time job as a Trainer at the end of August. It took me two months to find work after I came back from the states but it has turned out to be the perfect job for me. I absolutely love it. The people are lovely, the company really looks after their staff and after more than 10 years of indecision, I feel like I have finally found my niche. I have found my passion in training people.

In October I moved into a lovely little townhouse not far from the city and close to my office. This being my 11th move in 10 years, I am happy to settle here for a while.

I am still surrounded by amazing, caring, generous people. I spent Christmas with my family in Queensland, the first since I moved to Perth in 2010. I was able to enjoy this Christmas. The Christmas before, the first without Cam, I wanted to hide from the world, to curl up and die.

In December, a dear friend moved in to my spare room. She is the same age as me and sadly also lost her partner a week after Cam died. God most certainly put us together to share our journey and support each other in grief and moving forward in life. He knows. He knows exactly what we need even when we don’t know that we need it. It’s rather uncanny how in sync the events in our life have been since we were both widowed. She has been a blessing and an absolutely pleasure to know and live with. She’s one of those people I know I’ll grow old with, even if we live on opposites sides of the world.

In February, I turned another year older. Three years shy of 30 now.

One year ago today my husband Cam left us to be with Jesus.  It’s been a long and difficult year.  There have been many tears, anger and sadness that seemed never-ending, wishing upon wish that things had turned out differently and that I could wake up next to Cam to find it was all a bad dream.  A deep well of grief in my existence and darkness that I thought the light would never reach.  As if losing Cam was not enough to deal with, but the way he left was incredibly traumatic.  I’ve endured countless flashbacks to those moments where we helplessly watched him decline in a matter of days and even hours.  Thankfully I don’t experience this anymore.  The last time I was overwhelmed with a traumatic flashback, I was at Bethel Church in California in the middle of worship two months ago.  As I began to get emotional and reach for the tissues, I felt God speaking into my heart and gently shifting my focus from what was lost, to what was given.  I started thinking about the good, the joy, the gifts of life and faith and the love that God has given  me through Cam.  I felt the raw grief lift off me and all that has been given to me suddenly had more weight than the pain of losing him.  I felt freedom.  I felt joy.  I felt His love deep within.  And I grabbed it with both hands and I will never let go.  No one and nothing will ever take that away from me now.  What an awesome God!  At times I still feel sadness and lonely without Cam.  But I don’t want to miss him like I used to.  Little by little, at my own pace, I’ve been making healthy progress in moving forward with a life without Cam.  Since coming back from America, I have a whole new lease on life and I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time.

I am an organised person and I like to be prepared for whatever is ahead.  This has been especially important for me when anticipating the first events without Cam – first Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries etc.  While preparing my thoughts for this day, I thought that I would reflect on the events of this time last year.  But I realised, Cam isn’t reliving those traumatic memories and neither should I.  So I’m not going to.  I’m going to reflect on the happiness and love we shared and put the traumatic memories to rest.  It’s amazing the memories you hold dear even in the most tragic of times.  It’s those moments shared with loved ones left behind that I will hold on to.  An embrace at the precise moment of heartbreak that deepens a bond, the minutes when time seems to stop for an eternity shared with a sister, the care from a mother whose love knows no limits.

“For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.” (Philippians 1:21)

Today I will not mourn what was lost, but celebrate what is given to us in Christ.